:: Find Saipan ::

It gets depressing and boring to focus on our lousy government or things we don’t have, so I have ten random thoughts on life in the CNMI on my mind as the tonic for the government and the ridiculous lawn signs that continue to spring up like weeds.

1. One of the strangest experiences on Saipan is picking up a package from the older gentleman at the Chalon Kanoa post office, Bob Powers. The man has his own system, and I’m never quite sure I have all the rules down pat – even after five years now. He is a nice guy with a soft spot for kids who must seemingly establish some very rigid order for handing over a yellow, marked card and receiving a package in return. I don’t quite understand how that act became like calculus in the Marine Corps, but it did.

2. Why do our island youth wear winter ski hats each day in a place hotter than a box of Tinian peppers? They’re wearing shorts, zorries and a tea shirt. I don’t get the ski hat completing that list. A person doesn’t wear a winter parka and a speed-o bathing suit in Alaska , and I remember MC Hammer making those fashionable for a while? Why would a ski hat ever be needed in the CNMI? That ranks up there with the all time confusing question from Steven Wright: Why did Japanese kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

3. Do the ants here have an email distribution list? How can I put some food down, stop in the restroom and by the time I’m back, the ants have gathered faster than folks to a spontaneous super sale on Budweiser at Joeten.

4. How much do these Mormon Missionaries here spend on ties and sunscreen, and given the ties, are they now working for the Fitial Administration, or are they more concerned with Mitt Romney’s U.S. presidential chances?

5. How much ink could be saved if editors deleted the words “common sense” and “I’ve been saying this for years,” from Ambrose Bennett’s Letters to the Editor? I like how Bennett agitates, but please stop with those two phrases AB.

6. In a similar vein, was Jaime Vergara one of the Navajo Code Talkers during World War II? Vergara knows a lot of words, I think I do as well, but I almost never have any idea what Vergara is saying.

7. MHS Teacher James Yangetmai claims his niece “never heard of or even cared about PAWS” like many people on the island. Earth to James, come in. Are you aware we’re surrounded by ocean? I feel I must check. Did you miss the hundreds of references to PAWS in both papers, the radio, television news, the internet, the various community events and word of mouth? PAWS is about five or six people who in their spare time away from family and career see the animals in unbelievable distress and don’t just ignore it and drive away “like many people,” they actually try to help, but hey, your niece didn’t get rewarded by a private individual for returning a lost dog to her neighbor, so good idea to tarnish them. I definitely believe the part where you said people don’t care about PAWS. Your letters were the most revolting thing in the newspaper since the “Filipinos Go Home” protest.

8. What kind of person thinks walking down the steps at the Grotto in high heels is a good idea? Isn’t that place dangerous enough without doing something that asinine? Why not just use a pogo stick to go down next time, which is a slightly better idea than the monorail. I’ve seen this high heel adventure countless times and I hope to not see it anymore.

9. Are the people collecting money at the various traffic lights getting ready for a dodge ball tournament in Mad Max’s Thunderdome or something? I’m all for raising money for good causes, but kids dodging in and out of traffic and laying guilt on people stuck at a rarely working traffic light is a bad idea.

10. Some of our schools have digital multimedia projectors in every classroom, wireless internet, an absolute plethora of computers, plasma screen televisions and other goodies, yet no toilet paper and thirty plus students per class in run down termite infested facilities. Does this strike anyone else as being absurd and an only in the CNMI situation?